13
Mar
09

Bernie Madoff’s Top Ten Prison To Do List

Now that Bernie Madoff’s is off to prison for a 150 or so years and getting his first taste of true prison cuisine I thought I would help Bernie out with his new prison to do list. So here are my top ten suggested To Do’s for Bernie:

10. Become pen pals with Martha Stewart and learn from her how to accessorize those adorable prison jumpers. Also, Martha’s handy tips on how to hide a shiv in a frosted layer cake are good too but that’s, of course, assuming Bernie didn’t screw her as well.

9. Get out those handwritten personalized holiday thank you notes to your clients that Bernie has been dying to do for years. While he’s at it, he can also send thank you notes to the 400 or so investigators at the S.E.C. for blithely ignoring his audacious Ponzi scheme for 13 years and the subsequent loss of $65 billion dollars.

8. Learn speed is more important than cleanliness when taking your showers in prison and that being old and wrinkly is no reason to excuse yourself from a quick shower tryst.

7. After learning the shower lesson above Bernie can become a Born-Again Christian and repent his sins. Failing acceptance by Born-Again’s and any personal protection they can afford him, he can then join the Aryan Nation and get some really radical prison tats.

6. If that doesn’t work Bernie can get big fast, I mean really fast or he can organize a prison cigarette investment fund. Actually, he’s better off getting big fast! Think like A-Rod and have your cousin visit you in jail!

5. Failing that, Bernie can petition the prison system and tell officials that he is a woman trapped in a man’s body and demand that the taxpayers pay for his sex change operation as an accommodation to his new cell mate Bubba. Again, Martha maybe handy for giving you a few, quick prison makeup tips.

4. Become a leading advocate for prison inmate rights and demand the availability of Viagra for all conjugal visits. Might one to explore this one before pursuing item 5, however.

3. Adding to a growing list of prisoner rights perhaps Bernie can twitter to his following some of his ongoing jail house experiences. In response to “what are you doing?” Bernie can bang out, “Oh no, Bubba’s got that gleam in his eye again, I got to be…,” while hoping he is keeping his tweet under 140 characters. Actually, I can do a whole column on that!

2. He can vow to live an additional 50 years so that when Bernie’s a 125 he can be paroled after the Obama budget finally bankrupts the entire country and the prison system.

And last but not least:

1. Bernie can finally write that tell all book about personal financial investment he has had a hankering to do. Failing success on the NY Times Best Seller list, he can then write a sequel called the ultimate “Dummies Book on Ponzi Schemes”. It will become the must read book for the S.E.C. and all law enforcement agents.

Actually, since Bernie has all this time on his hands he can also download my free eBook novel Flores Girl: The Children God Forgot. Bernie, it is truly a free book novel and a fun read if I do say so myself.

And by all means feel free to add your own Bernie to do’s for this list. Maybe I’ll put together a second list with your suggestions!

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2 Responses to “Bernie Madoff’s Top Ten Prison To Do List”


  1. 1 vincetastic
    March 14, 2009 at 5:43 am

    Erik,

    This is a really great top ten list, Bernie is going away for a long, long time and I don’t think he’s the only one. You can post this to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/ and then link back to your site. We are looking for top ten lists and our users can track back to your site. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.


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Get the Free Flores Girl e-Book at FloresGirl.com

Flores Girl: The Children God Forgot is an exciting speculative adventure story about the discovery of a new prehistoric people by two scientists, Sarah and Richard. Their discovery is threatened by both religious zealots and marauding industrialists. Download the e-Book in PDF, Mobi and Microsoft Reader formats. Honest it is free at floresgirl.com. Just click the chick!

For More Pro-Evolution Rants go to www.thefloresgirlblog.com

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Flores Girl Twitters

  • Okay, this first couple of weeks with Trump is getting confusing. Is Trump opting for a monarchy or a Home Shopping Network knockoff?Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 3 months ago
  • The way the Trump campaign is going lately, Hillary will have to shoot someone on Fifth Avenue before I consider voting for Trump!Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 9 months ago
  • No dog in this fight, operative word being dog but it's hard for anybody to get any oxygen, good or bad, with Trump's Carpet Twittering!Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • So is anyone surprised that Slovenia Barbie admires the Donald for his mind and charm?Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • Ted Cruz: UntrusTED!Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • Two Corinthians walked into a bar on 5th Avenue and insulted Trump. He ran away!Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • 2 Corinthians walk into a 5th Avenue bar in NYC and Donald Trump shot them.Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • @monkeywright No, those in the west who are thinking about joining ISIS need to here this more than anyone else.Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
  • 5 tweeps followed (thank you!) and 3 unfollowed (goodbye!) me in the past week. Thank you crowdfireapp.com/?r=tw.Join the Flores Girl Twitters, Quotes from the Novel 1 year ago
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Technorati Profile

RSS Download the Free Flores Girl Podcast at Podiobooks

  • Exodus - The Final Chapter
    Sarah and Richard must fight their way off the island in this final installment of the podcast.
  • Your Hands are Stained with Blood.
    As death and chaos overtakes the island, Sarah and Richard try to escape Reggie.
  • An Unlikely Ally
    Reggie begins a reign of terror on the island that will leave nobody, including the Ebu, safe from his murderous schemes. Reggie's only challenge will be a visit from the biggest murderer in human history.
  • The Capture
    Sarah and Richard must make their escape after witnessing Reggie's brutal capture of the Ebu.
  • The Guardian Meets the Lab Rat
    Bill is presuaded by Reggie to meet with Karl.
  • The Guardian
    Karl's fever starts to takes a toll on his sanity as his efforts to contact the Ebu becomes a religious quest for him
  • New Friends
    Sarah's relationships with both Richard and Flo take a surprising turn.
  • Christian Soldier
    Reggies discovers the island of the Ebu and begins his assault but not before Karl makes his move.
  • The Cost of Weakness
    A senseless act of violence challenges Sarah and her tenuous relationships with the inhabitants of the island.
  • Weakness
    Sarah is stricken by a life threatening illness that triggers a strange personal odyssey for her.
  • The Princess Meets Flo
    While observing the troop, Sarah forms a friendship with one of the Ebu that she names Flo.
  • By the Sea
    Sarah makes a risky first contact with the Ebu.
  • 14. The Wait - Flores Girl: The Children God Forgot
    -In this episode: Sarah and Richard wait for the Ebu at a small pond.
  • Discovery
    Sarah and Richard begin their exploration of the island in search of the Ebu.
  • Resolve
    After losing everything to the pirates, Sarah and Richard face their own personal failure and decide whether or not they should return to the states.
  • Pirates of the Flores Sea
    As they begin to set out for Sarah's island, Sarah's and Richard's boat is boarded by dangerous high-sea pirates.
  • All Work and No Play
    Before leaving for Sarah's mysterious island Sarah and Richard head out for a night on the town in Flores.
  • The Boss
    Sarah and Richard put their expedition together and travel to Flores Island in search of the Ebu Gogo.
  • Higher Calling
    Unbeknownst to Reggie and Bill, Karl, the head lab assistant at GenTech, is busily sabotaging the pharmaceutical giant's controversial stem cell research.
  • Corporate Citizen
    Ruthless elements within a large pharmaceutical company make their own plans for the Ebu.

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